How can we have more 'Feminist Sex'?

Feminist movements have reshaped our world, yet in our sex lives, patriarchal conditioning still holds strong. Instead of enjoying our desires freely, we often worry about body image and meeting others' expectations. Feminist sex is about breaking these pressures, finding joy in our bodies, and experiencing sex as an expression of our true desires—not those imposed on us.

Defining Feminist Sex: Consent, Pleasure, and Freedom

In Flo Perry’s words “feminist sex is about having the sex you want to be having, rather than the sex you think you should be having” (Perry, 2019). It’s about prioritizing pleasure and enthusiastic consent, free from expectations shaped by porn, media, traditional sex education, and societal norms, allowing us to explore what we genuinely find enjoyable.

This does not mean the script in porn or film are bad and feminist sex isn’t about conforming to a singular vision of “feminist-approved” desires; it’s about personal choice. If a fantasy involves stereotypical roles—like a housewife and her dominant husband—that doesn’t make it “unfeminist.” But questioning where those desires come from, experimenting with role reversals, and focusing on the pleasure of these scenarios can help us discern which aspects are rooted in personal desire and which are remnants of cultural conditioning.

Deconstructing Sex, Virginity, and Language

An essential part of feminist sex is redefining what “sex” even means. Society often teaches us that sex is synonymous with penetration—a view that’s deeply hetero-centric, placing men’s activity and women’s passivity at the centre. We are conditioned to think that anything non-penetrative “doesn’t count,” even though for many, external stimulation is essential for orgasm. But sex can be whatever you want it to be—a kiss, a cuddle, eye contact, an intimate conversation, a game, or a shared experience with toys. Removing the focus on penetration from our definition of sex opens a world of pleasure that’s often overlooked. Likewise, focusing solely on achieving orgasm doesn’t serve anyone. This goal-oriented approach creates pressure on all partners, shifting focus from enjoying the experience to reaching a “finish line.” This pressure can lead women to fake orgasms, men to struggle with performance anxiety, and desire to fizzle out before intimacy even begins

Virginity is similarly constructed: we’re told that virginity is something “lost” with a man “gaining” the medal of her purity. Yet, there’s no biological way to prove virginity, and the idea that a woman’s worth diminishes after penetrative sex is a social construct rather than a fact. We can reclaim and redefine this construct. For instance, I’m defining my “first time” not as my first experience with penetration, but the first time I had an orgasm with someone else. It was YEARS later, holds much more personal meaning, and included so much more pleasure.

The language we use around female sexuality and anatomy is another powerful indicator of patriarchal influence. The term “vagina” was coined in the 1680s from the Latin word for “sheath” or “scabbard”—implying that a woman’s body is merely a container for something male. Similarly, “vulva,” often overshadowed by “vagina” in common usage, originates from the Latin word “volva,” meaning “wrapper.” It’s a powerful reminder to think even the female anatomy is defined in terms of how it serves or complements male anatomy.

The Influence of Cultural and Historical Systems on Sexuality

Our beliefs and behaviors around sexuality are deeply embedded in cultural systems and act as a reflection of societal values. In many ancient cultures, sex was understood and valued outside of the modern patriarchy we know. In india, sex was considered a duty between partners, where both were expected to bring each other pleasure. In Ancient China, sex was seen as a practice that promoted health and vitality with the ability to give pleasure considered powerful. Ancient Egyptians viewed sex as a natural part of life, like eating and sleeping, with no shame or secrecy about oral, penetretive, or self-pleasure.

Fascinatingly, in modern Rwandan culture, more than 90% of women report experiencing female ejaculation or “squirting” during sex (Akande, 2021).. This is largely thanks to the traditional practice of kunyaza. A non-penetrative technique, believed to originate from the Third Dynasty where the queen had chosen a guard to have sex with but due to performance anxiety, he could not penetrate her. She directed him to stimulate her labia and clitoris - a feminist act in itself, and now many women across the globe use this same external stimulation to achieve their ultimate pleasure.

Expanding Sexual Horizons: Insights from LGBTQ+ Experiences

Research shows that women who have sex with women report longer encounters, more oral sex, and higher expectations of orgasm than heterosexual women (Gesselman et al., 2024). A study by Garcia et al. (2014) found 61.6% of heterosexual women report resgular orgasms with male partners, compared to 74.4% of lesbian women, suggesting that sexual satisfaction often depends on time and understanding rather than a strict focus on penetration. The LGBTQ+ community exemplifies how expanding definitions of sex beyond heteronormative goals, like orgasm, can enhance connection and pleasure. This approach removes performance pressure, creating a more fulfilling and liberating experience for all.

Embracing Feminist Sex for Personal Liberation

Feminist sex is about questioning societal expectations, embracing desires, and finding joy in our bodies. It’s a journey of self-discovery and empowerment, where we prioritize pleasure and respect our boundaries. By rejecting patriarchal constraints, we explore what we truly enjoy, free from guilt and judgment. The most feminist choice is to define our own experiences, inviting pleasure, curiosity, and self-acceptance.

Akande, H. (2021, April 7). Why the “Kunyaza” method makes 90 percent of women squirt with Mind-Blowing orgasms. YourTango. https://www.yourtango.com/experts/habeeb-akande/why-kunyaza-method-makes-women-squirt-orgasms

Garcia, J. R., Lloyd, E. A., Wallen, K., & Fisher, H. E. (2014). Variation in orgasm occurrence by sexual orientation in a sample of U.S. singles. The Journal of Sexual Medicine, 11(11), 2645–2652. https://doi.org/10.1111/jsm.12669

Gesselman, A. N., Bennett-Brown, M., Dubé, S., Kaufman, E. M., Campbell, J. T., & Garcia, J. R. (2024). The lifelong orgasm gap: exploring age’s impact on orgasm rates. Sexual Medicine, 12(3). https://doi.org/10.1093/sexmed/qfae042

Perry, F. (2019). How to have feminist sex: Lessons in Life, Love and Self-Confidence. Random House.